dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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