if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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