I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
