I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just tell him i said nine months
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
