the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
