After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
