there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
