So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
being pregnant is like rehab
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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