Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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