her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
