Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
