Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
