It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
