I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
