my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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