1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
