You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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