Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
