Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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