Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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