were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
