From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
