Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
