Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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