They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
