I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
