Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
