I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think your dad took our porno
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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