A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
