my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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