I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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