He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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