Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
