How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
