Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
