sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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