i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
