just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
