you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
