how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
