i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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