if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
