proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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