im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
