My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
