You're my little dorito
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
