Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
