She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
