If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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