oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
